Eleanor Catton has a different opinion? Burn the witch!
Bennett Morgan writes SATIRE:
Today us proud, patriotic, only true New Zealanders woke to the news that some stinky Mount Eden liberal has a different opinion from us.
Not only does she see flaws in New Zealand, the best country in the world, but we have reason to believe she may even read books. We cannot confirm these disturbing reports, because we have never heard of Eleanor Catton before.
Unconfirmed reports suggest this book-reading, gay-sympathizing, Green-voting climate change believer has actually criticized what is undoubtedly the greatest freedom-fighting government in our history.
Us true blue New Zealanders know the true story. Legends say in 2008 a ‘can do’ Kiwi bloke, struggling to feed his shareholders, rose up against the tyranny and the bloodshed that was the communistic, women-loving Labour government which had descended our country into chaos over nine gruesome years.
That Kiwi bloke was John Key. A simple banker only trying to feed his growing family.
Eleanor Catton has defied his leadership. Eleanor Catton is an outsider. Eleanor Catton is a with.
I encourage all fellow conservative New Zealanders to unite against the unpatriotic liberal tide which is threatening our freedom, of which Eleanor Catton is the leader.
All those who are with me say ‘Aye’!
All those who oppose say ‘I hate New Zealand’!