Telling my story

I have had medical news this week that has confirmed what I already know and may well impact on my near-term future.

I have considerable technical difficulties and so have had to tone down my plans and divide this into two parts.

Now that I have had confirmation I now feel free to tell my story of what I regard as denial and medical abuse.

Although it may be of little interest to the multitude that enjoys good health but I am sure it will resonate with the multitude that have undiagnosed, chronic conditions who have fallen through the huge cracks in the System.

WRESTLING WITH THE 

MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT

PART ONE



PART TWO

RESOURCES

LETTER TO DR. MARK AUSTIN, MANUKA HEATH CENTRE

I feel the need to write in order to ‘clear the air’

I realise that it was always a mistake to register with you as a GP, as this may have blurred the doctor/patient relationship.I came to see you as a patient because I have been feeling very unwell for some time now and was seeking help - and specifically, a disgnosis.

I have felt for the most part that I have not been taken seriously, and not fully listened to - and most importanty, treated in a way that seemed disrespectful and even, I feel disdainful.

I have been hurt beyond measure by your attitude in the last few months - the last straw was your last email to me .

(viz -” I am increasingly concerned about your memory or your interpretation of our conversations....”

I feel that you have written things as a medical professional that should not be spoke, and I think you have gone outside any standards of good professional conduct by being insensitive, by splitting hairs and misconstruing what I had to say.

Some time ago I was feeling very low and was slightly apprehensive about the results of blood tests that you had ordered.

I wrote an email to you to clarify how i felt

(viz: “I  am going to have one LAST attempt to get you to hear what I am saying to you from the beginning”).

It was hurtful and humiliating to be ordered into your office (when I was apprehensive about blood test results that were never communicated to me), to face demands that  I, as your patient, justify myself as to what I had written to you. I recall you even said you wouldn't let me leave until I had answered you.

That conversation stepped right over the bounds of what was acceptable from a professional and caused me great anguish.

Harking back to the email in question, I have to this day a very clear memory of what was said in our last session - and if you want to split hairs about this, I would suggest that this reveals something about you.

Since our last conversation, in fact, two sources have told me that an ultra-sound is practically useless as a way of identifying pancreatic cancer unless it it is in its very last stages. Both also canvassed the use of a cancer-antigen blood test as an intitial indicator.

As it is, my concerns have been largely allayed by going to another GP who has been able to speak honestly, liste respectfully and refer me for appropriate tests as well as offer a course of treatment that may or may not prove to be successful in the longer term.

(Partially as a result of declining health but largely because it is stressful to work in the same place as you I have decided to withdraw from the Manuka Health Centre forthwith).

***

Here, briefly is my history, to set the record straight


In the 1990's I studied Traditional Chinese Medicine and graduated as an acupuncturist with a diploma also in Chinese herbal medicine.


MANUKA HEALTH CENTRE


In 2000, after graduating I went to work at the Manuka Health Centre, run by Drs Mark Austin and Suzannah Kent with a self-declared orientation  towards 'natural medicine'.


Reflecting the evolution of my own interest I became interested in the treatment of allergies and learned the technique of NAET which was anything but 'scientific' but proved to be quite successful in treating the conditions of people who were often at the end of the road, having been spat out by the conventional medical system.


I had 11 years of successful practice. I was inundated with clients for at least the first half of that time, but with the trauma of nearly losing my partner to melanoma and the stress of treating a significant number of very ill and often dependent patients my own health and resilience began to decline.


From 2004 I had an outlet through horseriding and even participated in competitive trailriding.  By 2010, however, my health was starting to decline and I had two accidents coming off my horse that were traumatic.




In May I came off riding bareback taking both horses back to their paddock. Biscuit did a sudden spin and I was dumped into the stream.


In October I came off going up steep hill when the leather on the saddle's cinch (girth) snapped and I was catapulated onto the ground breaking my humerus. 

I feel the need to write in order to ‘clear the air’

I realise that it was always a mistake to register with you as a GP, as this may have blurred the doctor/patient relationship.

I came to see you as a patient because I have been feeling very unwell for some time now and was seeking help - and specifically, a disgnosis.

I have felt for the most part that I have not been taken seriously, and not fully listened to - and most importanty, treated in a way that seemed disrespectful and even, I feel disdainful.

I have been hurt beyond measure by your attitude in the last few months - the last straw was your last email to me .

(viz -” I am increasingly concerned about your memory or your interpretation of our conversations....”

I feel that you have written things as a medical professional that should not be spoke, and I think you have gone outside any standards of good professional conduct by being insensitive, by splitting hairs and misconstruing what I had to say.

Some time ago I was feeling very low and was slightly apprehensive about the results of blood tests that you had ordered.

I wrote an email to you to clarify how i felt

(viz: “I  am going to have one LAST attempt to get you to hear what I am saying to you from the beginning”).

It was hurtful and humiliating to be ordered into your office (when I was apprehensive about blood test results that were never communicated to me), to face demands that  I, as your patient, justify myself as to what I had written to you. I recall you even said you wouldn't let me leave until I had answered you.

That conversation stepped right over the bounds of what was acceptable from a professional and caused me great anguish.

Harking back to the email in question, I have to this day a very clear memory of what was said in our last session - and if you want to split hairs about this, I would suggest that this reveals something about you.

Since our last conversation, in fact, two sources have told me that an ultra-sound is practically useless as a way of identifying pancreatic cancer unless it it is in its very last stages. Both also canvassed the use of a cancer-antigen blood test as an intitial indicator.

As it is, my concerns have been largely allayed by going to another GP who has been able to speak honestly, liste respectfully and refer me for appropriate tests as well as offer a course of treatment that may or may not prove to be successful in the longer term.

(Partially as a result of declining health but largely because it is stressful to work in the same place as you I have decided to withdraw from the Manuka Health Centre forthwith).

.

***

OBSERVATIONS ON MY HEALTH - 2014

I would like to set out some of my own observations regarding my own health as we well as some facts as I remember them.

I have been constantly unwell since approximately 2010. This started with a serious fracture of the humerus from coming off my horse. In addition to pain from the fracture I felt increasingly unwell and shortly after the plaster cast was removed I started to feel unwell and had painful oedema in the ankles. My then doctor, Mark Austin referred me urgently to the hospital where after much examination (in fact, the best attention I have received throughout this saga) the doctor gave an interim diagnosis of sarcoidosis.

This was confirmed by x-rays of the lung (showing some damage) and blood tests for CRP and ESR. I was then put onto prednisone.

Subsequent tests showed an improvement in inflammation markers and an improvement in the situation while throughout my symptoms got worse.

At about this time I shifted doctors from Mark Austin of the Manuka Health Centre (who had been a collegaue/landlord for ten years to Dr. William Crawford at the Aurora Centre.

When my medical files arrived those that were in an electronic form, such as x-rays were corrupted.

In contrast to Dr. Austin’s lack of interest (which I found galling considering our ten-year- long association) I found Dr. Crawford engaged and willing to prescribe tests that might not have been done otherwise, and to refer me back to a general practitioner at the Hutt Hospital.

At some stage Dr. Crawford shifted his practise next-door to the Pretoria Medical Centre.

This was unfortunate for two reasons.

The first: When I had my first appointment with him at the new centre it was found that my files had not been forwarded from the centre where he was previously registered (and to all intents-and-purposes had disappeared into a black hole)

Secondly, he started to be frequently absent, returning to Canada for a few months at a time. In fact, he was not available on the occasions when I had a medical emergency such as when melanoma was diagnosed and operated on, and,later, when I fell in the shower and had to have my ankle operated on.

For quite some months Dr Crawford was acting without the benefit of my notes and seemingly, on a (fortunately good) memory of my medical history.

I recall about this time consulting with the receptionist about doing something to retrieve my medical notes.

In August, 2014 I had an accident falling in the shower when I broke my ankle which was set by a nurse at the Hutt Hospital but which necessitated an operation to install plates in my ankle.

This was subsequent to an episode where I had what was subsequent to what was assumed to be a transient ischaemic attack.

Unfortunately Dr. Crawford was overseas on both occasions and began a prolonged stay in Canada shortly before the August, 2014 episode.

On balance, despite other shortcomings related perhaps more to his adminstrative skills and I found that Dr.Crawford not only had a first-rate knowledge of the state of play in areas relevant to me, but consulted with me in a very democratic way at every step of the way. Consequently, consultations were relatively infrequent given my condition.

The following 18 months have, as far as my medical care is concerned, been an unmitigated disaster.

I returned for two consultations with a locum doctor (I don’t recall her name) in approximately November, 2014.

They were long consultations in which I tried to explain (with the help of my partner, Pam) the seriousness of my conditions. She told me she had looked through my files (without having noticed, seemingly the large gap in file) but did not refer me on for any tests (except for, perhaps the very routine range of blood tests).

Rather, her contributon was to query whether I had “considered the psychogical-emotional aspects” of the case and referred me to an online survey designed to prove to me that I was depressed.

Based on this “considered” diagnosis I determined that I would not return to the practice while Dr. Crawford was still absent.

Instead when there were symptoms of concern I went to the A & E depeartment of the hospital.

I disregarded a “summons” from the chief doctor, Erich Kusel, to discuss the results, until at least May, 2015. Based on an assumption that there may be something quite concerning I booked in for an appointment which turned out to be to discuss the general aspects of the case.

Dr. Kusel did show quite a lot of interest and did some physcial examination and referred me for routine blood tests while seeming to shrug off my partner’s strong desire to have other tests (such as an MRI) done.

He noticed that I was suffering from gum disease and was concerned that I was overweight (“obese”) and prescribed a consultation with the hospital dentist as well as putting me on a diet based on completely cutting out sugars and all carbohrydrates.

He seemed to be deaf to my contention (based on my long experience) that both conditions were secondary to a deeper condition and promised me that if I followed the diet I “would feel at least 50 percent better)

The diet led to an immediate loss of weight and to precisely ZERO imrovement in my wellbeing. In fact my wellbeing further declined during this period and I put on some weight over the months between appointments.

Somewhat at the insistance of Pam who was alarmed at the decline in my condition we went back to see Dr.Kusel whose diagnosis when told about my lack of sleep was sleep apnoea (presumably following from the previous diagnosis of obesity).

When challenged on this he referred me to a list of symptoms on a website (even though this form of diagnosis by myself based on signs and symptoms was always disregarded). When Pam voiced her own concerns and gave her own observations this was countered with “medicine needs to be evidence-based”.

Dr. Kusel did a range of physical examinations during which he reported finding an abnormally rapid heartrate. He mentioned the possibility of angina but seemed to instantly forget about this and no further tests for this were suggested despite it being (in my experience anyhow) being consistent with the exhaustion and chest pains that I experience (and have, on numerous occasions, reported.

While I was sent out to the bathroom to take a urine sample (to test for a possible urine infection) Pam voiced her extreme alarm at my condition mentioning my historical diagnosis of sarcoidosis.

This seemed to take the doctor by complete surprise for he immediately referred me URGENTLY for chest x-rays.

I was charged for a double appointment.

It became obvious to me that conclusions were made about my condition without noticing that a large part of my medical record was missing and possibly, (and this was the most alarming possibility), without reading it.

When I went for X-rays I obtained a copy of my medical record for the period from the hospital.

When I went back for a follow-up consultation (partially for a pre-arranged skin test) I confronted Dr Kusel (somewhat angrily and aggressively, I have to say) my contention that my files had been lost and nothing had been done to rectify the matter and consequently conclusions had been reached (that were both upsetting and stressful to me) without any reference to my medical history.

Rather then responding with “I’m sorry” or even a “I’m sorry you feel this way” the response was a testy and justifying his own attitude and actiions.

When I mentioned that I was considering a complaint to the Health and Disability Commission the immediate response was “what can I do to induce you not to take this course of action?”. This was followed by an offer of a free treatment – something I took to be a bribe.

When I showed him an item from my file (attached) – a report on my sarcoidosis from the hospital – the reponse was “yes, I have this. It is a good report”

This confirmed to me my fear that my concerns were overridden and decisions were made by two separate doctors at this practise without having referred to essential parts of my medical history.

When I went to pay Dr Kusel came out and said he had a special scheme to help people who had difficulty paying (or something like that, I don’t remember exactly what was said. The upshot was he repeated his offer of a free treatment, to which my response was “I won’t look a gift horse in the mouth” and accepted.

At present I am waiting for the expected return of my doctor, William Crawford and would like two thing:

• that ESR and CRP blood tests be done,but this time the actual results be given to me in written form, not just an opinions that these “are within normal levels”

• that tests to confirm or deny the previously-expressed concern about angina,be done

CONCLUSION

The experience of the last 16-18 months has been extremely distressing and I have woken up from sleep in a state of fury on numerous occasions.

I am left wondering if my experience is a result of individual disregard (bordering, especially if it transpires that there is a serious, diagnosable condition on medical neglect.

I have to point out that whatever the attitudes that NO-ONE has been able to accuately diagnose a condition or come up with a treatment plan that has any effect whatsoever.

I have the distinct impression that the general attitude is that if nothing has been found there is nothing there and it is all in my head, There is a name for this in current medical dogma, somatic symptom disorder.

My expectation of the medical system is not one of demanding miracles but rather an honest acknowledgement of the situation and the failure of the medical System. Having once experienced respect and honesty it is very hard to put up with its absense, especially with the circumstances I have laid out.

In brief my experience is the following:

• There is never a moment during waking hours when I am “symptom-free”

• This is increasingly affecting my ability to follow an active lifestyle that previously included yoga, tramping and horseriding. In most cases I can walk a couple (or three blocks) with the help of a walking stick.

• This has increasingly affected my cognitive functions and the periods in which I can write or do other functions that have taken up my time,are becoming briefer. It is also affecting decision-making. Small demands on my attention can make me stressed and irritable

• I am always feeling exhausted and usually have to take bed-rest for several hours during the day

• I am frequently nauseus and also dizzy (with a subjective feeling of a ‘veil’ descending over my consciousness)

• Frequent chest pain, sometimes burning (usually on lying down), or dull (on standing)

All of the following have been interpreted at various times (and by different people) as:

• Simply ‘ageing’

• depression

• obesity and/or sleep apnoea

***

LETTER OF COMPLAINT TO THE PRETORIA ST. MEDICAL CENTRE

To The Practice Manager,

Pretoria Medical Centre,

cc: Dr. William Crawford (for my file)

Dear Madam,

I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the behaviour of one of your locum GP’s who I know only as “Doctor Julie” as I do not know her last name.

Badly bruised by my previous two encounters with her in 2014 during the absense of my GP, William Crawford I reluctantly made an appointment to see “Dr. Julie” as I have been feeling extremely unwell partially as a result of a period of devastating sleeplessness.

I thought that this was quite straightforward and was only a matter of discussing the drug I was on and whether I should be on something else.

Nothing, however prepared for a scenario that was beyond anything or worse than I could have even imagined.

After being invited to follow her into the consultation room I was asked how she could help.

I talked of my sleeplessness and how the medication had not really helped. My expectation was that she might have asked some questions about my insomnia.

As it turned out she didn't ask a single question about what I had come in for and started, on what was obviously an extremely cursory consultation of my notes, to refer to previous blood tests ordered by Dr. Crawford which she said were ‘normal’ except for some “slightly abnormal” liver tests to which I responded I spend most of my life looking after my liver.

She referred to something from my file indicating that people from the hospital “thought” that I have “chronic fatigue”.

When she indicated she would like to give her “opinion”.

At that I said MOST EMPHATICALLY (but NOT aggressively) that I was not in the slightest bit interested in her opinion , that she was not my doctor and I woud like to discuss my case with him (not her).

At this point she walked out of the room leaving me wondering what was going on.

When finally she came back she asked me again what I wanted and I repeated that I wanted some help with my sleep. She started to reel off types of sleeping tablet as if from a shopping list.(anti-histamine, anti-depressant, anti-psychotic etc. ” I said I was no expert in sleeping tablet but surely there was was something elseI could use. she said that benzodiazepines were clearly “not right” for me. Knowing that benzodiazepines were not the only sleep-inducers on the market (and being pretty annoyed by this time) I said, “well, I'm not taking FUCKING antihistamines on which she walked out saying she “won't take swearing”.

After yet another longish wait she came back with the practise manager. When I made to point out my previous experinces with Dr Julie she walked out for the third time. The practice manager suggested that I might like to come back for an appointment with Dr.Erich Kusel or with another practitioner. I responded that since I already had problems with him I would leave if for another time and left (as there had been no consiultation, without paying).

I have to point out that I had more than ten years of cliniical experience (before having to give up due to ill health) as a acupuncturist during which time my practise largely consisted of often successfully treating refugees from the medical System who fell between the cracks. Throughout that time, although I often encountered “difficult” patients I always made a point of listening to people and trying to get to the bottom of what was ailing them.

I would never have (and never have) treated ANYONE in anything like what I encountered.

What I encountered was, in my mind abusive and an attempt to exercise POWER (given to her by the State) which she attempts to exercise by turning a vulnerable (and unwell) patient into someone who was ”behaving badly”.

Considering that there was never any threat to her safety (as opposed to her ego) I cannot imagine a worse violation of the patient-doctor relationship in which SHE, not I, exercises all the power.

Since I have previously had an experience with her that has kept my waking up from sleep in rage I have had time to think of this carefully.

Because this stands in such contrast to the relationship of trust I have with Dr. Crawford this has been extremely upsetting to me and plays on my mind, especially given the senstivity of my case.

Unless I receive a satisfactory response and apology to this in a reasonable length of time I shall be taking my complaint elsewhere.

Yours sincerely,

Robin Westenra





RESPONSE TO A LETTER FROM THE PRETORIA ST. CLINIC

Thank you for your response to my letter of 28 August.

You write at the end of your letter: "If you wish to discuss this further I am happy to have a meeting with you and our Practice Manager in order to clarify the situation”.

Given the defensive tenor of your letter I think this might be a very good idea.

I have to say however, that I would not feel safe entering a meeting with you and the practice manager alone, so I intend to come with support commensurate with the other side - with my partner Pam, who knows more about my situation than anyone, and with another friend who is a counsellor.

I do not regard your letter as having addressed any one of the points I have raised in my letter.

In particular I am left with a considerable degree of concern if the events described in the terms set out below are set out that way in Dr. Forsey’s “contemperanious” notes.

I regard my own version as being the accurate one as I can still remember some of what little conversation there was almost verbatim.

I shall now deconstruct Dr. Julie’s version of events:

I understand that you came to the consultation with Dr Forsey with a request for sleeping pills.

Correct.

She listened to your request and reviewed your file, including your recent blood tests. She recalls (and recorded in her contemporaneous notes) that she tried to discuss various alternative medications with you.

She listened to my request in the formal sense only.

What she did NOT do at any point was to ask any questions about my sleep, how that was affecting me, how many hours was it affecting me, wether I couldn’t fall asleep or kept waking up. I do have to insist on this – so I shall repeat – not one question.

Instead she said “it is a while since I saw you”and immediately harked back to my files and the fact that the blood tests were clear (apart from some minor liver damage – sic.

The previous time we met she contended that I was suffering from depressive disorder while insinuating that there was nothing wrong with me.

So when she again offered to give me her opinion without any further questioning, I said very emphatically (and I can recall the words almost verbatim): “I am not interested in your opinion and will discuss my condition with my own doctor”

However, she reports that your behaviour towards her quickly became aggressive and abusive including swearing and very bad language.

“Aggression”is a very subjective notion. My recollection is very clear that there was no agression on my part. During the whole proceeding I did not vary my posture (collapsed in the chair - so unwell I was feeling).

What I can say with great clarity is that I did not use repeated “bad language”. . I couldn’t have, as she left the room without explanation before very much was said at all. The only time I swore was to use the word ‘f...k, not repeatedly but once (and not directed at her, but toward the medicine).

Dr Forsey reports that she has seldom experienced that degree of aggression and poor language in her 30 years of General Practice. She was upset by your behaviour and left the room in order to compose herself and in an attempt to defuse the situation. She had hoped that a break would allow you to consider your approach and modify your language and behaviour, which would then allow her to resume the consultation and offer you appropriate care in a less emotionally charged environment.

Apart from getting up to leave the room she offered no explanation of what her problem was.

On her return she tried to discuss with you the alternative medications which could help you sleep including melatonin, sedative antihistamines, sedative antidepressants, antipsychotics, benzodiazepines and Zopiclone.

This is totally inaccurate. Her discussion was to list a number of medications and to ask what I wanted without any context.

However she reports that you continued to swear at her and again she was forced to leave the room in some distress.

“Continued” to swear. This is simply not true.

She then sought the help of our Practice Manager, Jodie Campbell, and asked her to come into the consultation in the hope that this would improve the situation. However, I understand you continued to swear and criticise Dr Forsey and made rude comments about her to Mrs Campbell.

This, again is simply inacurrate. I was about to explain to the Practice Manager what my issue with Dr. Julie was – she chose to walk out.

Dr Forsey therefore chose to remove herself from the room, in order to avoid your continued verbal abuse. As she left you were shaking your stick at her in a threatening manner.

I think Dr.Forsey has “mispoken”. This is simply not true.

Mrs Campbell then attempted to offer you an appointment with Dr Kusel later in the day, but you expressed your dissatisfaction with him and refused the offer. She then offered you an appointment with Dr McCabe, who was currently in the building, which again you refused, saying that you only wanted to see Dr Crawford, who was unfortunately not available.

I have my own very good reasons for not wanting to see Dr. Kusel and will repeat that the only practitioner that I will speak to is Dr. Crawford. I am quite happy to forgo any consultations while he is overseas.

I acknowledge that you did not achieve the outcome you desired with this consultation; however, it appears that your aggressive and verbally abusive behaviour towards Dr Forsey, which was witnessed by Mrs Campbell, made it impossible for her to conduct an appropriate assessment of your needs at the time.

You are taking the words only one one side to make an assertion of “aggressive and verbally abusive behaviour” while ignoring all of my well-thought- out points. This I regard as disprespectful in the extreme.

In the future we will not book you in to see Dr Forsey, as she did not feel safe in the consultation with you.

Thank you very much because to say that I did not feel safe in the consultation with Dr. Forsey would be a gross understatement but I am getting the strong impression that in the doctor-patient relationship it is the doctor who is important,not the patient.

I would like to take the opportunity to address the points in my letter that have gone unaddressed (that is to say the interests of the patient) so I look forward to being contacted about a meeting between representatives of the Pretoria St Clinic and myself along with two others, to avoid any possibility of the “consultation” instead being a “kangaroo court”

Yours Sincerely

Robin Westenra

Modern medicine, the corporate state – and denial

By Seemorerocks

I have been looking for this information for a while and now I have found it.  Its says just what I feel about the medical "system"

"But getting back to those struck down with Twentieth Century Illness, it was, at least in the English-speaking countries never a case of 'I regret it, but our tests, our laboratories are inadequate to determine what is wrong with you, and so am I. We'll do our best for you in the face of our ignorance'

"Because Freud has said there were hidden things under the surface, in that dim and murky place, which we call, with our patheticallysuperstitious and primative understanding of the brain and logical human motivation, "the mind". And students at medical school are actually taught to believe that up to 45% of their patients will say they are ill, but will not actually be ill."

(Dr Toni Jeffreys PhD - Your Health at Risk – What Doctors and the Government Aren't Telling You, 1998)

...

It turns out that at medical school they are taught something along the following lines:

In any month any 400 people over 16 feel ill

Of these only 100 go to see the doctor.

Of these 50 have "objective, physical disease". 35 cases will clear up spontaneously and do not need further help. 15 have a real disease that needs further help.

The remaining 50 have "no physical disease" – and this can be explained as stress, anxiety or "in the mind".

So turns out that only 15 out of every 100 people who visit a doctor actually 'need help'. Too bad about the rest! The 35% will clear up, because that's what most illness does. But then there's the 45% who claim to be ill but medicine has 'decided' are not ill.

The problem for me is not that medicine cannot cure everything but the lack of humility, the arrogance that says that because our laboratories can't pick it up and they can't diagnose it it doesn't exist.

Think about this. Despite the fact that medicine is increasing its new knowledge and this forces labs to enlarge their knowledge and testing abilities, at any one time "all that is worth knowing is known today" (Dr Jeffries)

This is absurd and unscientific! And they call other "alternatives" that have been proven empirically over many years (and with many tests)  "unscientific".

For example, there are any number of tests that prove the efficacy of acupucture - until, now it is widely accepted. And yet we still hear the mantra "there is no scientific proof that it works".

The whole hullabaloo about "evidence-based medicine" boils down to whose evidence. 

One case that I saw recently that concerned the British national health has stayed with me. A woman who was wracked with the most terrible pain was tested by three hospitals and told by each that there was 'nothing wrong' with her (and she was told that the pain was 'in her mind') When she finally died they found they found that the tumour in her body had damaged her pelvis.

If you think that I am taking this personally and there is some anger behind my writing you'd be damned right!

Don't get me wrong – I am not denying the whole of medicine and certainly if I break a bone, have a heart attack or a stroke I wouldn't be looking anywhere else other than to the medical system.

But there'e the 50 percent that modern medicine dismisses.

I have always obviously fallen into that category.

Having been exposed to pesticides quite early in my life (as was my mother and my sibling) I have exhibited symptoms that have been 'strange' or 'vague' (to use one doctor's terminology).

I have gone along to doctors armed with lists of symptoms that I have taken the time to catalogue. Now, thanks to Dr Jeffries I learn that (because disease can only ever have one cause) that the American medical system (that the NZ system is close to) 'allows' a maximum of five symptoms. So obviously I have been dismissed as a hypochrondriac (or whatever other epithets they would care to use) for many years.

I remember going to one doctor and asking him if he thought that the frontal headaches that I was having that coincided with urinary urgency were related. His response was that this was impossible because they were in different parts of the body (!!!!)

I have one other recent experience.

While my present, very good doctor was overseas I went to a locum about some concerns about the state of my heart. After listening with her stethoscope she spent some time explaining why the hospital would not want to do tests (but if I wanted to "go private"...). When I opined that I seem to fall between the cracks of the medical system she replied that the mind was very adept at creating illness.

If she had read my file she would have known that I have a diagnosis (unless she thinks sarcoidosis is also in the mind).

But having accepted the miraculous power of the mind to create disease I doubt that she would also accept the miraculous power of the mind (or herbs, homeopathy or any number of other treatments) to heal the body.

That would be a threat to her postion of medical practitioner. 

How this affects me now is that my physical health has declined to a degree where there is no improvement and it is clear to me that this is of a degenerative nature that can have only one outcome.

Because the system have satisfied themselves with a previous diagnosis (sarcoidosis ) and the laboratory results indicate that that is no longer (in its view) active there is nothing to worry about and the fact that my symptoms are getting worse by the week and month does not seem to worry them and they have no curiosity that would cause them to look anywhere else – and now, thanks to the thinking that I started this article with, I understand why.

DENIAL

This also has for me other resonances with the larger processes of ecological, economic and social collapse.

For me it is partly around the phenomenon of denial.

One of the most apposite terms for me is "contempt prior to investigation".

It is something that we see in every area of human activity and it is getting worse and worse as we head into the Long Emergency.

Everything is politics and in this truth (and especially empirical truth) takes a back seat, because much science (thanks to the nature of the corporate fascist state) is ideological rather than objective.

Empiricism is something that we do not hear about these days because to challenges the ability of self-appointed "experts" to dictate to us what we should believe.

it is essentially a challenge to the dictates of the corporate state. 

So we have oil corporations and the likes of the Koch brothers paying big money to deny climate change, climate scientists who are willing to dance to the tune of the political consensus rather than connect their science with real life; we have the likes of Monsanto and the pharmaceutical corporations testing their own products – some of the many examples of "objective" "evidence-based" science being relegated to a tool of the corporate fascist state.

The worse things get and the more obvious the nature of the process of the collapse of human, industrial civilization becomes the more vociferous that denial will become.

The human capacity for denial seems to be infinite.

PERSONAL COLLAPSE

Finally my health challenges and my misadventures with the health system resonate with collapse itself.

This is personal collapse.

I have no personal expectation that I am going to be among those who survive and see what comes out the other side.

I am quite reconciled with my own mortality.