the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly
credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has
uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy
themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.
intelligence agencies confirmed that the militant Islamist
organization and its numerous affiliates intend to carry out a
massive, coordinated plan to stand aside and watch America’s
increasingly rapid decline, with terrorist operatives across the
globe reportedly mobilizing to take it easy, relax, and savor the
spectacle as it unfolds.
have intercepted electronic communication indicating that al-Qaeda
members are actively plotting to stay out of the way while America as
we know it gradually crumbles under the weight of its own
self-inflicted debt and disrepair,” FBI Deputy Director Mark F.
Giuliano told the assembled press corps. “If this plan succeeds, it
will leave behind a nation with a completely dysfunctional economy,
collapsing infrastructure, and a catastrophic health crisis
afflicting millions across the nation. We want to emphasize that this
danger is very real.”
unfortunately, based on information we have from intelligence assets
on the ground, this plot is already well under way,” he added.
recently declassified CIA report confirmed that all known
al-Qaeda-affiliated organizations—from Pakistan to Yemen, and from
Somalia to Algeria—have been instructed to kick back and enjoy the
show as the United States’ federal government, energy grid, and
industrial sector are rendered impotent by internal dissent, decay,
and mismanagement. According to statements made by top-level
informants and corroborated by leading Western terrorism experts, if
seen through to its conclusion, al-Qaeda’s current plot could wreak
far more damage than the events of 9/11.
the past year, money transfers to al-Qaeda cells around the world
have reportedly been accompanied by instructions to use the funds to
outfit safe houses with the proper equipment to receive American
cable news broadcasts and view top U.S. news websites, allowing
terrorists to fully relish each detail of the impending demise of the
last global superpower.
FBI officials made public an internal al-Qaeda video today in which
the terrorist organization’s leader Ayman al-Zawahiri chillingly
exhorts his followers to “take a load off” and “unwind” in
the name of jihad, and really cherish the victory over their enemy.
Allah, for soon every American city shall be plagued with disaster
and hardship,” al-Zawahiri said in the video, which includes
several minutes of footage of young, masked al-Qaeda militants
casually sipping beverages as they thumb through the latest issues of
Time and U.S. News And World Report. “The infidels have brought
this pain and destruction upon themselves through their arrogance and
callousness. Soon, the United States will watch in horror as its
bridges crumble, its desperate citizens suffer in want of medicine
and paying employment, and its once vast riches are reduced to
naught. The righteous warriors among our ranks must now unite, get
comfortable, and look on from afar at the calamity unfolding in the
vow that we will not cease sitting around and laughing it up until
America is reduced to rubble,” he continued.
who is seen in the video reclining back in his chair, putting his
feet up, and flipping on CNN, later shouts “Allahu Akbar!” when a
story is aired about the decade-long trend of stagnant wages among
FBI has also warned that numerous al-Qaeda agents may have
established sleeper cells for the purpose of “getting a kick out
of” the nation’s downfall on American soil. The bureau urged U.S.
residents to use caution around schools, hospitals, legislative
bodies, prisons, and other decaying institutions whose imminent
failure terrorists may wish to observe up close.
on condition of anonymity, one high-ranking U.S. counterterrorism
official has described the present situation as a massive failure of
warning signs were there all along, but unfortunately we failed to
heed them,” said the official, who advised Americans to brace for
widespread devastation. “If we’d listened to experts or even our
own common sense, we would’ve realized that this plot was being
actively orchestrated within our own borders. But we didn’t, and
now every one of our citizens and our very way of life is at risk
from this threat.”
al-Qaeda has us right where they want us,” the official added, “and
at this point, I fear it is too late to do anything about it.”
to the allegations, a spokesperson for al-Qaeda reportedly confirmed
the terror group’s plot and praised the American people as martyrs
of the highest order.