6.9 billion – now 7+ billion souls
Planet
Earth Doesn't Know How To Make It Any Clearer It Wants Everyone To
Leave
1
June, 2011
EARTH—According
to a statement released to the press Tuesday, the planet Earth has
"just about run out of ways" to let its roughly 6.9 billion
human inhabitants know it wants them all to leave.
Following
a recent series of disastrous floods along the Mississippi River and
destructive tornadoes across much of the United States—as well as a
year of even deadlier natural catastrophes all over the world—the
Earth said its options for strongly implying that it no longer wants
human beings living on it have basically been exhausted.
"At
this point, I think I've stated my wishes quite loudly and clearly,"
the Earth's statement to all of humanity read in part. "I
haven't exactly been subtle about it, you realize. I have literally
tried to drown you, crush you, starve you, dehydrate you, pump you
full of diseases, and suck your homes and families into swirling
vortices of death. Honestly, what more is it going to take for you
people to get the message?"
"Do
I have to spell it out for you?" the statement continued. "Get
the fuck out of here. I want you to leave now."
Enlarge
ImageThe Earth says all it can do at this point is keep manufacturing
disasters and hope humanity finally "wises up."
The
statement went on to list thousands of incidents in 2011 alone that
the Earth claimed were "solely and unmistakably" designed
to inform the human race that it might be time to move on, including
the devastating tsunami that caused thousands of deaths in Japan, an
earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand, that killed an estimated 181
people, and historic rainstorms in Colombia that destroyed entire
communities with deadly landslides.
The
planet Earth also singled out an ongoing drought in China that has
left more than 2.3 million people with a shortage of fresh water as
"a pretty big goddamned tip-off, wouldn't you say?"
While
the Earth had hoped the human race might finally "get the
picture" following one of the harshest winter storm years in
recorded history, it instead found that people simply went on with
their lives, occasionally making reference to disaster victims in
their thoughts and prayers but showing no intention whatsoever of
preparing themselves for a long trip through the far reaches of space
to find a new home.
"I
know your species has developed the technology to leave me, I've seen
you use it before, so I'm asking you now, please, just take the hint
already," read another excerpt from the Earth's statement, which
added that it would really be best for all concerned if humanity were
to "trundle off to some other biosphere for a while." "You
can't possibly be enjoying this, can you? Honestly, you would have to
be completely deranged or masochistic to continue staying here."
Immediately
after delivering the statement, the Earth ignited a series of
wildfires throughout the world's arid regions.
Though
some scientists have responded to Earth's message with theories as to
precisely what the planet might be trying to communicate, most firmly
acknowledged that further study would be required before any
definitive evidence could be gleaned from the "fascinating"
statement.
"Certainly
these utterances from the Earth are strongly worded, but at this
point it is difficult to say whether they speak to a larger trend or
are simply a bio-geological anomaly," Dr. Roger Summons of MIT
said. "While there seems to be an implication that the Earth
wants us to go away and never come back, I, for one, can't say
conclusively from either a geochemical or a meteorological standpoint
whether this is in fact the case."
In
a sharp rebuke to both the planet and the mainstream scientific
community, Republican leaders in Congress responded this week with a
scathing critique of what they deemed to be the Earth's "pathetic
and extremist viewpoints."
"What
we're seeing here is the same old scientific mumbo jumbo and partisan
rhetoric that the Earth has been spewing out for millennia,"
Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) said. "We're not going to be bullied by a
celestial body that has time and again failed to deliver on its
promise to glorify and reward mankind with its bounty."
Immediately
following these statements from the human race, the Earth emitted a
loud sigh, which shifted multiple tectonic plates and caused massive
earthquakes on five continents
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