Black Friday: insanity at the sunset of Empire

It’s not April fool’s day but it IS fools’ day

‘I’ll Kill You!’: Black Friday Chaos Rages With Violent Clashes Over Lingerie, a Police Taser and More

the Blaze,

28 November, 2014

With many stores opening early for Black Friday “door busters” sales, it’s no surprise that chaos has already been unfolding at retailers across the nation — and the world.

Videos uploaded to social media over the past 24 hours show just how heated some of the scenarios turned, as customers battled it out for deals on coveted products like televisions, lingerie and tablets.

In one clip uploaded to YouTube, Walmart customers are seen throwing themselves on top of flatscreen TVs, with security officers — or police officers, as it’s unclear which — desperately attempting to break up the chaos, as the Daily Mail reported.

Then there’s another clip captured at a Walmart that shows additional scuffles unfolding over discount tablet:

Yet another scene from a Michigan City, Indiana, Walmart shows a man in wheelchair surrounded by mayhem as shoppers push and bump into one another:

Numerous videos have also emerged from the United Kingdom, where shoppers got a head start battling one another for discounts.

Consider that one woman reportedly broke her wrist in a battle over a TV. A series of Vine videos embedded by the Mirror promise to “make you want to stay indoors.”

Here’s one example, showing droves of of shoppers flooding into a Victoria’s Secret:

In a separate scenario, one man at a Walmart became so infuriated after kids played a prank on him that he attempted to kick one of them and knocked a camera out of someone else’s hands. At one point, it sounds like he yells, “I’ll kill you!”

And, of course, Black Friday chaos wouldn’t be complete without video of a man who was so out of control that police apparently had to use a Taser to calm him down:

In the U.S. and abroad, videos like these will no doubt continue to emerge throughout the day as shoppers put aside their turkey and trimmings and attempt to get the best deals possible in anticipation of the coming Christmas season.

Consider that Walmart had 22 million customers in its stores on Thursday — a staggering number that shows just how many people are braving the elements to save some csh.

“Throughout the day, we welcomed more than 22 million customers to our stores — that’s more than the number of people who visit Disneyland in an entire year — and our associates served them with pride,” read a press release from the company. “During our big events, our cashiers had nearly every register open. 

And once again, we delivered safer, exciting events for our customers.”

Stay tuned for more

42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record

the Onion,

26 November, 2014

NEW YORK—According to emergency personnel, early estimates indicate that more than 42 million Americans were killed this past weekend in what is now believed to be the bloodiest Black Friday shopping event in history.

First responders reporting from retail stores all across the nation said the record-breaking post-Thanksgiving shopping spree carnage began as early as midnight on Friday, when 13 million shoppers were reportedly trampled, pummeled, burned, stabbed, shot, lanced, and brutally beaten to death while attempting to participate in early holiday sales events.

Law enforcement officials said the bloodbath only escalated throughout the weekend as hordes of savage holiday shoppers began murdering customers at Wal-Mart, Sears, and JCPenney locations nationwide, leaving piles of dismembered and mutilated corpses in their wake.

“The level of bloodshed this year was almost beyond imagination—no prior Black Friday could have prepared us for this,” said National Guard commander Frank Grass, talking to reporters in front of the still-smoldering remains of a local Best Buy that was burned to the ground Saturday. “We had fire trucks, police cruisers, and guardsmen stationed at multiple locations, but it was useless. At the moment, hundreds of thousands of American shoppers are still unaccounted for, and we expect $2 billion in damage has been wrought upon our cities. ”

“The stench of death is unbearable,” a tearful Grass added. “Simply unbearable.”

As the weekend of sales drew to a close, ambulances could be seen circling the now empty and completely ravaged shopping complexes as they searched for signs of life, while clean-up crews worked to clear the rubble, overturned cars, and large pools of blood from local Kohl’s and Macy’s parking lots.

The White House issued an official response, stating, “We mourn the deaths of those 42 million American shoppers who tragically lost their lives this Black Friday.”

Survivors of the deadly holiday sales event said that while the weekend began as a chance to “get in on some unbeatable post-Thanksgiving deals,” it quickly escalated into a merciless, no-hold-barred fight to the death.

“At some point in time we all stopped caring about the deals and the holiday shopping and were pretty much just out for blood,” said Dana Marshall, 37, a Target shopper who suffered seven broken ribs and a cracked sternum while fighting two other customers for a discounted Nikon digital camera. “I remember just sitting on top of a woman and smacking her head with a DVD player until her face was completely unrecognizable. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

The Onion will continue to publish a running list of the Black Friday dead throughout the week